For years, I’ve felt trapped in a body that used to feel strong and capable, but somewhere along the way, it stopped moving the way I remembered. I was still active, still pushing, and yet, somehow always hurting. The pain was there like a background noise- sometimes whispering, sometimes roaring. Some days, it was easy to brush off. Other days, it took everything in me just to keep going. I chalked it up to overuse, aging, motherhood, maybe even stress. I stretched more, moved more, rested more- but still, the pain lingered. Deep down, I knew something wasn’t right.
And then came the diagnosis: Diffuse Idiopathic Skeletal Hyperostosis (or DISH).
It’s a mouthful, and at first, it didn’t even sound real. But it is. It’s a condition where ligaments and tendons (especially in the spine), start to harden into bone. It explains the unrelenting stiffness, the tension in my ribs and back, the way it feels like my spine is trying to move through molasses. It’s not curable, but it’s manageable. And honestly? Just knowing was a relief. After years of guessing, doubting myself, and trying to push through it silently, I finally had a name for what I was feeling. But the name also came with grief.
Rucking has been my thing. My outlet. My therapy. My way of challenging myself while reconnecting with nature and with Mai*Soul. There’s something about loading up a weighted pack, hitting an urban/nature trail, and walking through the discomfort with people who get it. The pain. The grind. The laughs. The mental walls. The finish line. My core group – Mai*Soul (Kev, Tiffani & Orlando) – has been with me through the hard miles and the heart work. We’ve rucked through chaos, doubts, sore feet, and life shifts. And we’ve always come out stronger. Rucking was never just about fitness, it was about feeling capable. So hearing that for now I need to pause, broke my heart a little.
I’ll still hike. Matter of fact, while Mai*Soul rucked, I joined them without wieght. But without weight on my back, it was a different experience. Lighter in some ways, but heavier in another. I missed the challenge. I missed the shared struggle. I missed the reward at the end of a long, hard ruck when your body aches but your soul is full. And most of all, I missed that connection- with myself and with Mai*Soul.
I haven’t started Pilates yet, but it’s my next step. I’ll be starting from the very beginning. Brand new. Curious. Hopeful. Nervous. I’ve researched, watched numerous YouTube videos, asked around, and read about how it can help with mobility, core strength, and chronic pain. So, here’s to starting again. Day one. Slower, softer- but still strong. Still full of mayhem and magic.
Mai Household Mayhem 